30 Mostly Useless Things I've Learned in 30 Years

I still spend most of my time doing stuff like this.

My parents had me when they were in their thirties, so as a child I thought that 30 was the epitome of adulthood. I thought I would have everything figured out. And for a brief moment, I thought that I could easily rattle off a list of the important life lessons I've learned in my almost 30 years on this planet. But it turns out that, the day before my 30th birthday, I feel exactly the same as I did when I was six. I've done a lot and learned a lot, to be sure, but the truth is that I don't have a lot of sagacious insight to pass on to anyone else, and the things I've learned in 30 years are pretty mundane. They're still worth cataloging, though. So here they are -- the most important lessons I've learned each year over the past 30 years:

Catholics Come Home: Why I Left the Catholic Church and Won't Be Going Back

My relationship with religion has been a source of pain and frustration for as long as I can remember. I went to a Catholic university and attended 12 years of Catholic school. For most of my life, I was in church every Sunday. I took my confirmation seriously, and aspired to die a martyr. I was obnoxiously, unceasingly devout.

Support the Marriage, Not Just the Wedding

My best friend got married two weeks ago, and I couldn't be happier for her. In every wedding photo I've seen, I'm doing some variety of ugly cry. The wedding was emotional. The food was delicious. And the dancing was reminiscent of our carefree high school days spent dancing on bars and cars.

Why You Can't Believe What the Government Tells You About Spying

This week, we learned that the NSA infiltrated Internet security and development companies so that it could weaken their encryption and security. If this doesn't make you fear your government, then you are remarkably immune to anxiety, and I applaud you for your zen-like nature. Meanwhile, I'm left feeling like I'm living in some strange world dreamed up by a meeting between Kafka, Orwell and perhaps the most vicious child leaders in Lord of the Flies. 

Why Attacking Syria is a Really Bad Idea

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a country full of goldfish cleverly disguised as humans. "Oh, the President is insisting weapons of mass destruction were used by some foreign, evil nation? Never heard that before!" "The media insists that war is the only solution to human rights violations? Must be true!" A goldfish does, after all, have a memory that only lasts three seconds.