32 Things I Know for Sure: The Lessons 32 Years of Life Have Taught Me

Two years ago, in  honor of my 30th birthday, I wrote 30 Mostly Useless Things I've Learned in 30 Years. It seems that one of the things I did not manage to learn in 30 years on this planet was math, because there were only 29 items on the list. I've learned a lot over these last two years, which have been some of the hardest and best of my life. So I decided to try to offer some substantive wisdom rather than a tongue-in-cheek roundup of the bizarre lessons life has taught me.

My husband and I often joke that we need to create a book entitled Things We Know for Sure. If we were more organized, we could fill such a book with the dozens of lessons life teaches us every week. Sadly, learning lots of lessons also means being incredibly busy, so I've had to distill the stuff I know for sure down to this list.

1. The length of a relationship has no bearing on its value. In our marriage-centric, hyper-narcissistic, heteronormative culture, virtually everyone is obsessed with the idea of a romantic relationship that lasts forever. This leads us to believe that relationships that end were mistakes. Nothing could be further from the truth. Relationships come in all lengths, and a 10-minute interaction can teach you as much as a multi-decade marriage. 
2. Style often masquerades as substance. Don't buy the hype. Real substance requires no particular style. Having the perfect notebook will not make you a writer. Having a well-decorated planner will not make you organized. 
3. It is impossible to live a life free of risk. When you dedicate your life to avoiding risk, you end up avoiding excitement and happiness instead. 
4. I only know what it is like to be me. I cannot know how it feels to be someone else, especially if I don't listen to them. Learning requires me to believe other people when they tell me what their lives are like. That means believing oppressed groups when they say something is oppressive. When you discount the complaints of another person, you tell them that you understand their life better than they do. That's a laughable notion. 
5. Look at outcomes and actions, not words. It is easy to prattle on about how smart, popular, and successful you are. At least one study shows that we tend to believe what people tell us, not what they show us. Being mindful of this bias allows you to evaluate people on their own merits, rather than according to how much they brag. 
6. Time is more valuable than money. If you don't budget your time just as carefully as your money, you waste the most valuable thing you have. 
7. Passive-aggression never, ever works. Of course, we all do it from time to time, usually because we are afraid of conflict. But this approach is more likely to ignite conflict than it is to prevent it. Be direct. Be honest. Be real. 
8. No one ever sat around feeling guilty because they failed to buy something. The regret of a misguided purchase will always pale overshadow regret over not buying something. When in doubt, don't spend your money. 
9. Violence begets violence, whether we're talking about killing Muslim children to end terrorism or beating American children to teach them kindness. 
10. Everything does not happen for a reason. God is not sitting in the sky pulling strings to make your life harder or easier. If you insist to the contrary, you must realize that you are also insisting that people deserve the terrible things that happen to them, and that God ignores the prayers of some people. Shit happens. Life is hard. Believing there is a reason for everything does not make life more meaningful. 
11. If you force someone to admit that they are stupid or wrong in the context of an argument, they will never change their mind. Arguing from a position of authority and power robs you of both. 
12. There is a reason for everything people do. Find it, and you'll be less bothered by the bizarre, mean, and confusing behavior people throw your way. Your difficult neighbor may be coping with the loss of her mother. The editor who said you're terrible at your job may be in an abusive marriage. Understanding people helps you better understand yourself and your life. 
13. Yelling at someone will never change their mind. Ever. 
14. People who deny that other people are oppressed are inevitably the quickest to scream about their own oppression. A white guy who insists that the death penalty is a fair consequence for disobeying a cop will be the first to try to sue the police for "reverse racism" when a cop looks at him wrong. 
15. It is not possible to have a conflict with someone without being partially wrong. If you can't get along with someone, figure out what you're doing wrong. If you can't find it, it's because you're not looking hard enough. 
16. Apologizing feels like an act of weakness. It is inevitably a sign of strength. People respect people who take responsibility for their actions. Refusing to apologize convinces people that you are irresponsible, not that you are right. 
17. Believing that you need to love everything about your life is narcissism, plain and simple. No one gets to love every part of their day, so the belief that you should get that privilege means you think you're better than or deserve more than others. This is especially true of people who insist that they can only do paid work they love. Hogwash. Even if you have a great job, if you love every second of every day, it's a sure sign you're not challenging yourself. 
18. No one gets to be true to themselves all the time. Life is not about finding yourself or being yourself. Life is about finding ways to be better than what you are. 
19. How people treat you has more to do with them than with you. Confident, successful people don't deliberately make others feel bad. 
20. It is impossible to be wrong when you stand up for people who are bullied. 
21. When everyone starts doing something, ask yourself why. Popularity is often a sign that something is harmful. Every group needs at least one person who can be counted upon to scream that everyone is doing everything wrong and everything is going to Hell. Be that person. 
22. Beware of empty gestures. They make you feel like you're doing something even when you're not, thereby dissuading you from actually doing something. Worse still, these empty gestures often win you attention and acclaim, whereas real work often does not. You are not "standing with France" when you change your Facebook picture. Dumping a bucket of water on yourself will not cure ALS. Making a donation, volunteering your time, and demanding political accountability are hard, but these strategies actually change things. 
23. Meaningful activism is inherently risky and challenging. Sharing a news story on Facebook is not activism. Policing others is not activism. 
24. When an organization goes unquestioned or is offered unearned respect, that organization will inevitably attract bad people. Excessive patriotism allows our country to get away with atrocities. Unthinking admiration of the police allows them to abuse people. Criticism is inherently beneficial, and anyone who tells you otherwise will happily go goose-stepping down the street when the next dictator comes along. 
25. Real apologies never contain an "if" or a "but." 
26. Decisions made out of short-sighted self interest will almost inevitably harm you. 
27. You never know who is going to end up being an ally for life in this strange journey we are all on. The ex-boyfriend who dumped me a week before prom has stuck by me for almost 15 years. Be excellent to everyone, and never undervalue any relationship. Everyone matters. Everything matters. 
28. Blindly trusting authority is a recipe for disaster, but ignoring all authority is just as dangerous. Some people become authorities because they are competent and right. If your lawyer/doctor/accountant tells you to do something, there's probably a good reason for it. 
29. Everyone wants to feel liked. Make people feel liked, and they will love you forever. Bonus: when you behave in a way that makes people feel liked, you'll probably end up actually liking them. 
30. Every conflict, no matter how upsetting, becomes less important with time. Five years from now, you might be truly excited to see the boss who fired you or the ex who dumped you. This too shall pass. 
31. No one gets everything they deserve. And that's a good thing. I might not get all the good things I think I am entitled to, but I also have not gotten all the bad. 
32. Compassion always wins. Helping others might mean you have less money or time now, but a year or a decade from now, the new purse, fancy dinner, or extra TV time won't matter. The effort you dedicated to your fellow human being will. 
33. (Because, hey, I still haven't mastered math): In life, as in writing, maturity means moving from the passive voice to the active. It did not break. You broke it.