On Suicide, Communal Responsibility, and Why Suicide Hotlines Aren't Enough

Robin Williams killed himself yesterday. Predictably, Facebook is aflutter with tributes, photos, and proclamations that suicide is never the answer. I think it's really great that Robin Williams touched so many lives, and this outpouring of grief is indisputable evidence of the bottomless emptiness suicide leaves in its wake. In a few days, though, the commotion will die down, and the shocking number of people who feel suicidal will yet again be left to deal with their ceaseless agony all alone. I am tired of living in a culture that pretends suicide is tragic while doing little to stop it.

I've called suicide hotlines at least half a dozen times. I'm a caregiver by nature, and have attracted many suicidal people into my life. When I've been unsure of what to do to help them, I've been quick to call a suicide hotline for help. It is always a profoundly unhelpful experience.

I don't want to knock suicide hotlines. They're clearly helping someone, but they can't help everyone. Every time I have called such a hotline seeking help for a loved one, I have talked to someone who might as well be a robot. The person on the other end of the line has read from a script while seeming totally incapable of real human empathy and completely unaware of what suicidal people are really like.

Over and over again, though, I see celebrities, websites, blogs, and random friends refer suffering people to suicide hotlines, as if a simple phone number could ever be a suicide panacea. Somehow we have become so obsessed with boundaries and 12 steps and hotlines and therapy that we have forgotten that not all human suffering is due to mental illness or being "crazy." Life is hard, and we live in a profoundly disconnected and abusive society. Many, many people suffer unspeakable trauma every day. Many people are alone, perpetually in poverty, or overwhelmed with endless work, sick children, or abusive spouses.

Not everyone who is suicidal has a reason to live. Some people's lives really are awful The person who wants to kill himself over a breakup or a job loss or a death in the family might truly have nothing else worthwhile going on in his life (of course, it's worth noting that the only way that can change is for the suicidal person to stay alive). That's an uncomfortable reality many of us don't want to face. We want to believe that people kill themselves because of distorted thinking, not because of shitty lives. After all, if we believe that shitty lives lead to suicide, then we have a much stronger obligation to reach out to the suffering people in our own lives.

I am responsible for doing everything I can to protect the well-being of people I love. So are you. Don't let our culture of rugged individualism tell you otherwise. Referring a friend to a suicide hotline could convey the message that you can't be bothered to listen. Pleading with a loved one to go to therapy when you haven't put in the time and energy to sit with your loved one in their discomfort can make it seem like you are unconcerned with your loved one's feelings, caring instead only about the way those feelings affect you. We all have an obligation to make life better for the people we love, and I hope Robin Williams's suicide will remind everyone that, yes, you really still are your brother's [or sister's] keeper. A good therapist and a suicide hotline cannot be substitutes for real love and real kindness.