I didn't change my last name when I got married. My best friend did. I made a huge deal about not changing my name and threw fits every time someone addressed me as Mrs. Filipovits. My bestie insists that everyone refer to her by her married name. We're both dedicated feminists, and both of us had a cornucopia of good reasons for our decision; many of these reasons, but not all, were feminist ones.
And yet again I've found myself arguing on Facebook with other women about the relative benefits of changing our last names in marriage. There are excellent arguments on each side. Those who change their last names talk about wanting to share a name with their life partner, ensuring family name continuity, and keeping their children's last names simple and coherent. Women who keep their last names note the fact that they've built an identity around their names, that men aren't expected to give up their identities to maintain family continuity, and that children can learn to love hyphenated or unusual last names.
And both sides are right. No matter where you stand on this issue, the last-name issue is a problem because only women have to deal with it. Men don't agonize about whether keeping their last names means they love their wives enough because they're never asked to choose.
So I think we need a system that honors family history and is both egalitarian and streamlined. After spending way too much time intoxicated while playing on a white board, I have hereby solved all of the world's problems and ensured world peace by developing a name system that:
1. Asks everyone to give something up for the sake of family unity.
2. Requires no one to give up his or her entire name.
3. Requires both men and women to think about names.
4. Can be adapted to non-traditional families, particularly gay families (though the rules might have to be a little different)
5. Neatly tracks bloodlines and preserves a last name across many, many generations.
The rules for the scheme are simple:
1. Everyone has hyphenated names. One name comes from the mother; the other comes from the father. In the case of gay couples, the parents can choose which combination of names to assign based on the other rules of the system.
2. When couples get married, each member keeps the name he or she got from the same-sex parent and takes the name the other person got from their same sex parent. This means that husbands and wives will always have the same last names.
3. Gay couples can choose which combination of names to keep.
4. Children get the same last names as their parent.
So here's how it would work if I used my own family history to devise my and my children's names. For simplicity and clarity, I'm making the names that each person got from her mother red and the names that came from the father blue. I'm putting the female name first, but it would also work with the male name.
My mother's parents were Bill Peters and Margo Davis. Had they followed my plan, they would be Bill and Margo Davis-Peters.
My dad's parents were Aubrey Villines and Sue Travis. They would then be Aubrey and Sue Travis-Villines
My Dad, Aubrey Travis-Villines, marries my mom, Cheri Davis-Peters
My mom keeps the name of her same-sex parent, Davis, and takes the name of my dad's male parent, Villines. My dad keeps the last name of his same-sex parent, Villines, and takes the name of my mom's female parent, Davis. This scheme ensures they both have a "male" and "female" name. They become Cheri and Aubrey Davis-Villines.
Trey and I are then Trey and Zawn Davis-Villines, and have the same last name as our parents.
I then marry Jeff, whose last name in my scheme would be Jeff Dugan-Filipovits. I keep my mom's name and replace my dad's name with Jeff's name. He keeps his dad's name and replaces his mom's name with mine. Our last name becomes Zawn and Jeff Davis-Filipovits.
Let's say we have a daughter, Jill Davis-Filipovits. She marries a boy whose parents followed our formula, and his name is John Smith-Williams. They would therefore become Jill and John Davis-Williams.
Thus their children, who would also be Davis-Williams, will have a last name from their great-great grandmother and one from their great-great grandfather. Names are preserved for both sexes. Women are traced back through their mothers and men are traced back through their fathers. I am totally going to try to convince my kids to do this.
Awesome idea!
ReplyDelete