30 Mostly Useless Things I've Learned in 30 Years

I still spend most of my time doing stuff like this.

My parents had me when they were in their thirties, so as a child I thought that 30 was the epitome of adulthood. I thought I would have everything figured out. And for a brief moment, I thought that I could easily rattle off a list of the important life lessons I've learned in my almost 30 years on this planet. But it turns out that, the day before my 30th birthday, I feel exactly the same as I did when I was six. I've done a lot and learned a lot, to be sure, but the truth is that I don't have a lot of sagacious insight to pass on to anyone else, and the things I've learned in 30 years are pretty mundane. They're still worth cataloging, though. So here they are -- the most important lessons I've learned each year over the past 30 years:




1. Everyone gets upset when you pee on them.
2. If you somersault off of the fireplace, you will hurt yourself.
3. Babies are actually pretty boring, and prefer crying to banging on drums and screaming.
4. If you want to learn things, you have to read.
5. Boys are soulless monsters.
6. If you criticize people too much (as one might do, for example, as the leader of Zawn's Singing Club), they will not like you.
7. Boys do not like it when you pour glitter on them and invite them to your fairy party.
8. It is not socially acceptable to run while wildly flailing your arms in a circular motion and making a soft, humming "motor" noise.
9. If you wake up one day to discover a previously nonexistent pond in your backyard, you should not go swimming in it. Much as you might want to believe otherwise, the pond is not God's reward for your righteousness; it is likely a ruptured sewer line.
10. If you try to plan a secret, second birthday party in an attempt to get double the presents, you will get caught. You are not nearly as clever as you think you are. Further, it is not socially acceptable to type anonymous complaint notes about the other kids in your class and then deliver them to the principal.
11. You should listen carefully to everything that everyone you love ever tells you, because when they die, you'll want to remember everything. Rush too much and you'll miss it.
12. If you don't learn how to fall in a graceful, intelligent way, then it's possible to not only break your arm, but roller skate over your own arm after it is broken.
13. No matter how important making it to the national spelling bee might seem, there is no single victory that will make life perfect.
14. If you make a friend who is scared of all of the same things you are, then you should band together and protect one another.
15. When your dad tells you that you can't talk on the phone while parking the car, he's right. Failure to listen will cause you to drive the car through the garage door.
16. If you can learn how to do things quickly (and well), you can get much more done. You can, for example, avoid homework for four months and then write 60 pages of creative writing for an end-of-the-year portfolio all in one night.
17. It's not acceptable to cry when an editor changes something you've written. Editors make writers look good.
18. Being best friends with your journalism teacher is infinitely better than being cool.
19. You should not ignore your best friend to spend time with your boyfriend. Because if she moves across the country, you will cry about it for weeks.
20. If you want to be good at small talk, you have to watch movies and follow sports. If you can't do either, then you have to be really good at asking people questions about themselves.
21. If you want to have a good relationship, then you have to be a good partner. It's not sufficient to endlessly list the other person's failings.
22. To successfully live with someone, you need to be willing to adjust your own habits to the same extent that you ask them to adjust theirs (clearly it took me at least two years -- and probably more like ten -- to learn how to be good at relationships).
23. Cats tails can really, seriously suddenly fall off without warning or explanation.
24. The fact that a breakup makes you crazy and miserable is not evidence that the relationship is special, predestined, or needs to continue. Breakups make everyone crazy and miserable. Also, it is unwise to spend an entire year of your life being made miserable by a breakup. Your breakup is not special, and skipping everything you need to do will only wreck your life.
25. Some dogs can open and close doors. Plan accordingly.
26. You cannot attain perfection. And therefore, if you want to have a good relationship with anyone, you have to accept criticism.
27. There are two keys to success: being good at something and convincing other people you are good at that thing. Neither is sufficient on its own.
28. No one really tells you what marriage is like. It is significantly better and significantly harder than any unmarried person can imagine.
29. There will never be any point in life at which you have everything figured out.