It's Not About Chivalry and Resisting Temptation: Here's What Good Men Really Do

The epitome of all that is masculine goodness: my husband.

Even the most cursory perusal of Facebook yields the conclusion that we have a serious problem of masculinity. Men are encouraged by popular culture, by other men, and by the women who let them get away with shitty behavior to act like overgrown manchildren. For some men, this cultural indoctrination turns abusive. Because there are so many men who just aren't up to being decent relationship partners, many women have learned to accept less than they deserve. The result is an entire cottage industry of blog posts telling women how to tell if a guy is a good one and encouraging them to only pick men who do relationships right.


I respect the motivations that lead people to write these blog posts, but most of them just don't hit the mark. Some, like this one, set standards so low that I have to wonder why we even have standards in the first place. Don't stare at women's breasts? Don't take off your wedding ring around single women? Really?! This is the best we can ask of men? Women deserve better. Others, like this one, offer vague claims that men should respect women and do good things. Well, duh. For women who have been mistreated by men and for men who have never been taught how to be a decent partner, though, vague statements that support amorphous concepts such as respect are useless.

I'm lucky enough to have chosen an amazing man, and to have been raised by an awesome dad, as well as loving male cousins and one excellent uncle. I've seen what good men do and don't do, and goodness has nothing to do with vague notions of chivalry or silly recommendations like, "Don't take off your wedding ring." Here's how to tell if you're really with a good guy*:

He loves your body not just for the way it looks, but for what it can do. 
If a guy worships your physical appearance but is grossed out by your bodily functions, he doesn't really love you; he loves your body -- and just the external stuff, not the whole thing. Good men know that bodies serve a purpose, and that a woman's primary role is not to look good for a man. If your guy thinks periods are gross, doesn't care about your health, and isn't invested in your physical well-being, he's treating you as an object whose sole role is to provide something pretty to look at. Good men care about their partners, which means they care about every thing that happens to them. If you can't talk openly about bodies and bodily functions, then you'll steadily find there are a lot of things you can't talk about.

He respects you no matter what you do. 
I see blog posts every day telling women how to earn men's respect. Don't dress too slutty. Don't use swear words. Don't talk about taboo subjects. The people who author these posts are cowards who have not internalized a key truth of life as a human: all human beings deserve basic respect, no matter what they do, and certainly regardless of how they dress. If a guy tells you your clothing renders you unworthy of respect, he's a waste of your time. And if he lectures you about how you have to earn his respect rather than receiving it automatically by virtue of being a fellow human being, he's a lousy person.

You are his biggest temptation.
Particularly in the world of Christian blogs, there's a whole lot of material about temptation, and all the steps men have to take to resist it. No matter their religious affiliation, women are taught not to leave their men alone with single, attractive, or flirtatious women. Here's a dirty little secret, though: your guy is only going to cheat on you if he wants to; it doesn't matter what the people around him do. The key is not for him to avoid temptation. It's for him to not feel it in the first place. Every woman deserves a man who finds her the most tempting, attractive human in the world. If your partner is more interested in other people than you, struggles to remain faithful, or needs constant reminders about how to behave appropriately around single women, he's not worth it.

He builds you up. 
A healthy relationship makes you feel good about yourself. Good men don't call their partners names. They don't mock their families or their hobbies, and they never engage in body shaming. If your partner tells you you need to lose weight, stop talking to your friends, or give up a favorite hobby, he's not just a bad partner; he's a terrible person. Get that waste of space out of your life.

He's interested in the things and people you love. 
I am obsessed with (among other things) orchids, apes, making jewelry, ballet, and goats. My husband could care less. Because he's a good man, though, he thinks that if something is worthy of my time, it's worthy of his. Good men care about your hobbies and they encourage you to pursue them. Does he have to spend endless hours making jewelry with you? No. But a guy who picks up crafting supplies or asks how your orchids are doing is worth his weight in gold.

Even more important is that a good man respects your family and friends -- even if he doesn't like them. The second a guy starts trying to cut you off from the people you love or initiates unnecessary conflict with people who matter to you, it is time to run screaming in the other direction. Isolation is a tactic of abusers, not something good men do.

He knows what the clitoris is. 
The overwhelming majority of women can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation. A good guy -- even if he's waiting till he's married to have sex -- takes the time to educate himself about women's bodies. Good men aren't selfish in bed. If your partner refuses to learn or is only concerned with his own pleasure, that attitude will steadily infect every area of your relationship. Sexual selfishness foreshadows all-encompassing selfishness. Don't put up with that crap.

He doesn't pressure you into sex or specific sexual activities. 
You don't owe sex to anyone. But in a society where 1 in 4 women has survived rape or attempted rape, it's unsurprising that many men think sex is their manly right. You are not obligated to have sex with anyone, for any reason, at any time -- ever. Even if you're married. Even if you've had sex 100, 1,000, or a million times before. Your body is yours, no matter how close you are to another person, and good men get consent every time.

It's not just sex you need to consent to, though. Good men don't pressure women into sex acts. Sure, it's fine if your guy has something he's dying to do and wants to try, but if you say no, that should be the end -- good men don't endlessly nag women to engage in painful, upsetting, or degrading sex acts.

He doesn't shame you (or anyone else) about sex. 
Good men don't guilt you about your previous sexual relationships. They don't call you names, and they don't use sexual slurs (such as slut) against other women. You are not obligated to follow someone else's sexual morals, and a man who believes that women should behave in the way he deems appropriate is a man who has the potential to become abusive.

He doesn't objectify women. 
Objectifying women involves much more than staring at their chests when they talk, and it's transparently obvious that good men don't do this. Objectification occurs any time a guy treats a woman like her primary duty is to be attractive for him. Men who make mean-spirited comments about women's appearance, who gawk at strange women, or who talk endlessly about what women should wear and how they should look are cads.

He wants to know the real you. 
A good guy realizes there's more to you than meets the eye, and he wants to know it all. Good men ask probing questions and listen to the answers. They don't talk over you or tell you they're tired of listening to you discuss a particular subject. A guy who acts bored by what you say, who mocks you when you share your feelings, or who seems only to talk endlessly about himself is not good enough for any woman.  

He treats you as an equal. 
Men are adults who are capable of caring for themselves, and good men treat their partners as equals. You shouldn't have to do more work than he does -- whether the work is relationship work or housework. Good men consult their partners before making a decision, listen to their partner's input, and always compromise. If you're with a bully, a guy who thinks he should rule the roost, or a man who's too lazy to do his fair share of housework, know that there are better men out there, and you should go get one.

He pursues you.
In a world where men are taught to be emotionally absent drones, it's no wonder that women get stuck doing much of the emotional work of relationships. A good guy is just as interested in being with you as you are with him, though. If you worry that one wrong move -- such as calling too much -- will ruin the relationship, then you're with someone who doesn't really care about you. If your guy never initiates an apology, never reaches out to you when you're apart, and never does anything to show his love, you're with someone who offers less than you deserve.

He doesn't blame his behavior on being male. 
Men are, first and foremost, human beings with free will. It doesn't matter what his hormones tell him or what our culture has indoctrinated him to do; he has a choice. A man who tells you something is inevitable just because he's a man is a guy who makes excuses. You deserve someone who wants to be his best self, not someone who wants to mimic a stereotype. Being a guy doesn't mean he has to look at porn, or objectify women, or not talk about feelings, or call you names, or do anything else you've asked him not to do. Don't tolerate cowardice. Pick someone who embraces his own free will in an attempt to be better.

He doesn't try to get away with half-truths. 
Lying is never acceptable.** You don't really need someone to tell you this. Half-truths, though, are lies, as is withholding information. He didn't tell you he talked to his ex-girlfriend? That's a lie. He refuses to talk to you about his feelings, about your plans for the future, or about his career aspirations? No. If your relationship is serious, you should be sharing absolutely everything. Don't put up with a guy who thinks you're unworthy of knowing his full story.

He doesn't know everything. 
Sexist men often position themselves as authorities and endlessly lecture their partners. Good men, by contrast, are willing to learn from their partners. No one knows everything, and good guys recognize this. Moreover, when you're talking about something about which he can't possibly know -- what it's like to be a woman subject to sexual harassment, what your period cramps feel like, how it feels to be objectified  by men -- he should never, ever tell you your feelings are wrong, and he certainly shouldn't tell you it's all in your head or that your experience isn't what you think it is. Good men defer to the lived experiences of their partners, and they're acutely aware that they don't know it all.

Women deserve better from the men they love. Until women are willing to completely ignore bad men, though, some men will continue to disrespect the women they claim to love. When you reject a man who treats you like garbage, you're not just helping yourself; you're also helping him to know that women deserve better, and that he might not get access to women until he's willing to do better.

*I realize this is an extremely heteronormative, monogamous-centric post. But heterosexual monogamous relationships are the ones with which I am familiar, so that's what I'm writing about. There's nothing whatsoever wrong with open, poly, or non-heterosexual relationships, and many of these rules still apply to them. 
** Some lies, of course, warrant forgiveness, and you'll have to be the judge. Lying about having an STD when he's already had sex with you probably doesn't warrant forgiveness. But if he didn't tell you about his abusive family because he was embarrassed, it's important to consider his intentions, not just his actions.