Snowdeath 2.0: We Shall Slay the Snowbeast With Our Guns

In what can only be characterized as a completely shocking and unforeseeable turn of events, we did not all perish in the great Snowdeath of 2014. And here we are again, staring down the barrel of another Snowdeath as it prepares to shoot its icy bullets of rage and death directly in our faces. The local media has begun to refer to this latest storm as, "an unprecedented event of truly epic and unrivaled proportions." Indeed, it does appear that way. The photo on the right is the horrific current state of the weather. If you look really close, you can probably see a single rain drop. And that rain drop might even be cold. The photo on the left is the apocalyptic scene in the grocery store today. That's a line that stretches all the way around the store and back up to the dairy section, people. As it turns out, it's not just snow that kills. But also rain and cold. 

So we sit here, idly awaiting certain death. The governor announced today that Mother Nature was currently perpetrating one of her "worst crimes," then declared Mother Nature an enemy. The local grocery store has sold out of table salt. And in the midst of the patriotic war to combat the terrorist crimes of Mother Nature, Yankee assholes post stuff like this on my Facebook:

Those insensitive motherfuckers! How dare they? During the last Snowdeath, people had to abandon their cars on the side of the highway because they couldn't figure out how to drive on the ice. One whole person died, and that's only 1/7 the number of people who usually die on Atlanta highways in a given week! PEOPLE HAD TO FORGO STARBUCKS, FOR GOD'S SAKE. Have these Yankees no shame?! No empathy?! 

What these communist pinko assholes from the Yankee Barren Wasteland (term originally coined by my hilarious and brilliant cousin) fail to realize is that we southerners know a threat when we see it. We were the first to lead the charge against the threat of gay marriage! We stood up for patriotism when everyone else was yammering on about how it was a bad idea to invade the wrong country not once, but twice. While the rest of you blather on about your "charity" and "affordable health care" and "civil rights"  bullshit, we stand for real American values. Like stocking up on the only weapons that can truly combat the snowbeast -- assault rifles. No one could have foreseen the chaos all of this snow would have caused, ok? It's not like this has ever happened anywhere else on the face of the planet. 

Oh. Wait.